There is a crating release ritual that I use in the morning to get the dogs out without exciting them into a peeing frenzy in my studio. Lennon knows it; I KNOW he knows it. I start releasing animals this morning. Not that hard because I only have Lennon, Maddie and my own personal pets. I know, 4 seems like a lot to you but for me that is a small visit instead of an overwhelming infestation of dogs.
So, the anti-pee ritual is going on and Lennon is jumping in the crate so he has to go last. I know he has to tinkle so I am moving as quickly as possible without causing the dam to burst. I get to Lennon’s crate and he barks at me. I have two choices; walk away and ignore him (risking piss) or let him out and save the clean up. I opt to make him work. I know it sounds mean and if it were his first visit it wouldn’t be the case but again, I KNOW he knows this stuff. Finally…compliance. Not total compliance but close enough. About 60 seconds have passed at this time and I realize that I have not only made Lennon work really hard to get out to go potty but that all of the other pets are waiting in the hallway because I have forgotten to take the baby gate down so they can get outside. What can I say? I drank half a glass of Merlot in the Jacuzzi and I was a goner.
Now, you know how it is when you have to pee really bad? Like after a long car ride when you can’t find a McDonalds or a movie that you keep thinking is almost over mixed with a 75 oz. Coke because it’s a better deal. The kind of “need to go” that an Exxon/Mobile bathroom in Hemet seems like an obvious choice despite that whole crashing into Alaska thing. You’re ok until you actually see the bathroom down the hallway then your bladder cuts loose and if your zipper sticks or the lid is down, you are toast. I’ll admit to it. It has happened to me. A grown woman with MANY years of potty training under her belt and sometimes I barely make it. Come on, it’s not like I’m 5 years old. I should be able to handle this by now.
So, there we are…me and 4 very full canine bladders all locked behind a baby gate. I am trying to remain calm so as not to excite them but can almost see the tidal wave. Totally my fault. I get the gate down and try to move the team forward but realize the sliding glass door is locked. My husband’s OCD on security is a whole different story. Made-In and Eliza go bursting full THUD into the glass and it knocks the piss out of them, literally. I start laughing because that is what I do and Lennon starts barking because that is what he does. Maddie has one paw over her mouth and one in the air like she wants off of the ride. At this point I know Maddie and Lennon MUST get outside because they are MUCH bigger than the Shi Tzu and Maltese that tinkle tiny little puddles. We are talking quarts here. Finally, I get the big ones over the puddles without getting dirty feet and I feel grateful that I won’t have to bathe everyone. I then watch as Lennon and Maddie squat side by side, asses facing me, on the patio. Oy! At least they aren’t in the house, right? WRONG! The darkness on the gray cement grows in a circular fashion, getting larger by the second. All I can do is cross my fingers that they are far enough apart to not stand in each other’s urine. Again, I plead with the universe to not start my day with bathing nearly 200 lbs of dog. The rings of pee get closer and I think maybe I can gently interrupt and move them off of the patio. I say their names, “Lennon, Maddie, Out!” This means go to the yard from wherever you are. Maddie isn’t trained yet so she daintily lifts her right back paw and does a bunny like hop over the puddle away from me. Well done! Lennon…what does Lennon do? As trained, when he is confused, he defaults to a sit. I gasp. YUCK. He sees my response and tries to please me further. Yes, that means he lies down and looks at me like “I’m good, right? This is what you wanted, right?” I feel bad and say, “Oh, Lennon…I’M SORRY!”
Lennon removes himself from the pee puddle and excitedly comes over to me like he’s done the most wonderful thing. He jumps up at me to get his perceived, well deserved praise.
Lennon and I have both had a shower.
All of this by 5:00 AM. It’s a glamorous life.
Adriane volunteers:
Humane Society of Ventura County
Animal Rescue Volunteers - Wag-N-Walk
